"how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

first off, i'd like to apologize for not writing sooner.

second off, i'd like to apologize for lying to you in the above sentence. i was off having a wonderful summer, and that my dear friend, is hardly something rational to be sorry about.

i'd like to tell you that i had a summer with road trips every week to new and exciting places, and that i met strange and interesting people along the way. (that does sound a little perfect, doesn't it? let's plan that for next summer.) while that would've been all fine and dandy, i had the privilege of spending my summer nights with these losers:

i've been back and forth on whether or not i'm ready for school to start and move back to c-stat. my realization of the summer? there will never be enough time to spend with the ones you truly love. you will always wish you had one more day, made one more trip to dallas, or shared one more white chocolate frappuchino with them. i think that's how you know you love someone. maybe. but the day will come when you see them again. the countdown on the calender will go back down to zero, and you'll just keep on going right where you left off those many months ago. that's probably the most wonderfully exciting thing about life. and for sure the best thing about best friends.

on eagle's wings,
peanut buttah

p.s. if you end up getting me an animal, i want a bunny so i can watch its nose twitch. i would drop out of college to do that all day. no joke.

what's your question?

"what's your question?"

what do you mean?

"everyone should have a question, something that they're just dying to figure out about people and the world. the reason why you're doing any of this studying anyway. it's the whole reason for academia."

well, what's your question then?

"why do people hate? why does that ugly thing called racism exist? where does it come from? what does literature, history, social psychology, economics, religion have to say about it? that's my life work. that's what you should be looking for in your life at this point, your question. that's what your advisor should asking you. that's how you should pick your major. it shouldn't be about jobs and money, it should be about what curiosities drive your being. it can be anything. why do people love? why do people dance? what is God putting on your heart?"

that's the conversation my sociology professor had with my class today, and it made me excited. not because i have the answer to what my question may be (HA, me having an answer to anything like that...yeah right), but because knowing that a lot of people actually bubble their curiosities down to one concise statement is a new concept to me, and in some ways a hopeful one. to have such a toned, specific purpose behind that wild ambition to search...that sounds significant to me, and in some ways i envy it. a LOT.

so, i thought about it. what are themes in my life? what are things i love talking about, love writing about, love wondering at the complexity of and enormity of and sheer incomprehensible beauty of? well, where do i start?

people. story, especially the smallest ones and the biggest ones. meaning. wonder. healing. surrender. whole-ness. connection. community. homes. what it means to worship. what it means to know, and to love.

and then there's birds, the sky, the way words sound when you read them out loud, characters, metaphor, purpose, stereotype, gender, culture, wishing, beginnings and endings and so many more.

how does anyone have one question? sometimes i feel as if i am made of question--not tangible ones with "why"s and "how"s and question marks at the end, but this wide serendipitous insane rush of wonder at the incompleteness of how things are and this secret but beautifully obvious knowledge that there is a way that things can be complete. it feels like that moment when i was a kid staring at the small light on the fire alarm on my ceiling in the dark, when moments before sleep my perspective would rush out and instead of seeming a few feet above me, that little light would look like a star, and i would feel lightyears away. it would feel like speeding away a million miles an hour, and feeling smaller than anything and completely surrounded and insignificant but somehow remarkably significant and free in the wildest, truest way i've ever seen. that's what my question feels like.

how do people boil that absolute longing down to one tangible sentence? can i please just boil over? overflow? pour out all this nonsensical madness out of myself and into the world? can that count as a question?

i'm glad we didn't talk about answers, just questions. then i would feel really insane :)

love,
jellay.

"we'll join in with the songs we know."

i long for warmth. not literal warth, i mean, i do live in texas. (sorry jamee.)

people warmth. i want to be infected with my best friend's laughter, and not worry about papers to write. i want my biggest decision to be something like deciding on how many quilts to use for forts, and what song to blare first so that summer can start off right. most importantly, roadtrips will consume most of the time, not studying. i'm a list person, soooooo the condensed list of things i'm looking forward to follows.

to-do list:

1. roadtrips. roadtrips. roadtrips.

2. study for political science on a boat in the middle of  the lake.

3. fall asleep in the sun and get an awkward sunburn, because that hasn't happened in awhile.

4. stay up late making cookies and cakes and lollipops for no particular reason.

5. SEE DAISY, and somehow become less attached to a dog...

6. build forts out of the bajillion quilts in my closet.

7. blare annoyingly happy music, and dance along with the lyrics so that people around us think we're insane. (they would only be sort of right.)

8. take pictures in the chandler park to document our picnicking everyday.

9. eat our weight in china chef in chandler chinese food. THEN go to the gym.

10. watching girly movies and eating ice cream with granola...which i really, really want right now.

11. remember to never take relationships for granted. 

AND somehow keep a job amidst all of this...

after the summer is over, i'm hoping that this kind of warmth will last me until christmas break. then we can start planning all over again! it's like a vicious happy cycle! :)

on eagle's wings,
peanut buttah


p.s. everything's right by matt wertz. this is a PERFECT summer song.

"Smiles light up as we walk in
Old conversations begin again
Nostalgia's thick as the August air
It takes us back to a time when we didn't care, we didn't care
Hey, everything's right, said everything's right tonight"

merciful, merciful sunshine.

something about the perfect combination of caffeine, sunshine (even if it is forty degree sunshine), and genuine conversation makes me very very happy.

my favorite part of being very very happy, i think, is seeing the world as such a beautiful and hopeful place. i believe that that beauty and hope is always there, but there is something to the texture of the air when the sun is shining that makes everything standing in the way of beauty and hope seem so much more thin and transparent.

that being said, one of my favorite things about the universe is the fact that the sun is always shining, even when some silly vaporous stuff is in the way.

things that i want to blog about: gravity, meaning, flashlights and floodlights, everybody getting engaged, community, islands, african dances, incubators, worship and wonder, puzzle pieces.

things that i have time to blog about: well, this.

so, instead, i wanted to share some happy moments from my other sunshine-y day this week (the sixty-degree one).




                              

i know that they were planted like that, obviously, but i still know that our flowers here love Jesus. that makes me know i'm at the right place.

<3 jellay.

get a hobby.

today i typed the longest email of my life. i mean that seriously, since it took me like three hours or so to crank out this bad boy. but as i sat in the lobby of the blocker building, i couldn't help not smiling. 


trying to concentrate, i kept tuning out the lecture happening on the other side of the wall i was propped up against. i'm not sure what class it was, but it raised my interest enough to pause what i was doing. well, that, and i would have sworn on my life he was stanley ward, but i digress. i peaked around the corner, to get a glimpse of this guy. a man with shaggy hair, probably in his late thirties, was talking about "freeing up the conscious mind", and how we should go about doing this. he was pacing the front of the room, and i could just tell he was into this. he didn't notice that the girl two rows in was texting, since he was looking down with his eyes closed. i saw him truly focusing on delivering this message to his students. he saw its importance and hoped that they would as well.


what i think he was getting at is this: we need things that distract us from our day-to-day lives. we need to have hobbies and talents we mold into a craft that keep us from going insane. yes, sometimes these distractions make us insane. (i am responsible that, and i'll be the first to admit it.) life isn't just about thinking everything through, and being 2D in our patterns. the human experience is stepping outside our comfort zones-- talking to a stranger on the street and having coffee with them, or going skydiving on the weekend, just something. not only will our lives be different, but we'll be better people for doing so. better people that don't get stuck in a rut all the time, but are always looking for some other way to be active. 


i'm glad i have things in my life that makes my time a bit more enjoyable. today made me realize that i don't have to stop with just these things, though. this fifteen minute lecture challenged me to find new things to enjoy. i pray that whoever reads this will realize this as well, and not waste time just thinking about it, but going out and doing it. i hope you find time in your busy life to free up your mind, and just enjoy the beautiful life around you that is filled with amazing opportunities. 


on eagle's wings,
peanut buttah

i hate push-ups.

The rock felt grainy and alive under her toes, almost as if it could reach delicate spindly fingers into them and hold her in place if it wanted to badly enough. Her skin welcomed the bite of the wind—though it was less like a bite and more like a caress, like an embrace of an old friend that one sees every day: familiar, routine, secure and loving and tangible with the power of connectedness that comes from feeling flesh on flesh and hair on hair and soul on soul . It wrapped around her body and gently pushed her forward, dragging her feet across the rock, gently closing her eyes and stretching out her hands and extending her fingers. She stopped, brought her hands to a point above her head, and dove.

Seconds passed as she fell through the air at a speed that stopped her ears from hearing anything but rushing wind and eternity, then she was in the ocean. It was a slap in the face—in the arms, the legs, the entire body—and it enveloped her fiercely. She felt molecular. She was a part of this whole, tiny and unperceivable yet wildly beautiful and possessing a fluidity and range of movement that made her anything other than human. She was liquid, flowing, spirit; she was grace and delicacy and incomprehension and harmony. She felt as if she could be fondue for the gods if they dare indulge in such a thing, and a ray of light in their sun. Her head emerged from the waves and she threw her body into the beating. The waves pounded and tossed and bruised and she threw kicks and punches back with every ounce of heat and power that her muscles held. Fighting the waves was her favorite feeling in the world, even the losing part—especially the losing part.

i am so out of practice writing fiction. disgustingly out of practice. i've realized that it really is like exercise--you train yourself to be fast and strong by daily use, but once your life gets filled with other mundane daily activities that consume all of your time and energy, your muscles will weaken and lose their memory and it will be as if you never had all of that work in the first place.


i guess that is just as hopeful as it is depressing, though, because it means that one can get better if one can stick through the pains of being out of shape. i just don't have adequate time for that, it feels like. i know that is my own fault, though. i am so thankful that next semester i will be in a creative writing class, and hopefully several more after that, so i will be absolutely forced to get back into practice. i miss it. i truly, truly miss it.


i think getting back into the swing of what i used to love will really add a bit of direction to what i'm doing at college and at life and all those fun things. but, even if it does not, i've decided i'm okay with that. being perplexed and serendipitous and stubbornly cluelessly hopeful about what comes next in life won't be the death of me. well, it hasn't yet, at least. that's got to be a good sign, right?


right.


<3 jellay.

child-like.

"and they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. but when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, 'let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. truly, i say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.' and he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them." 

~ Mark 10:13-16 ~

the passage clearly tells us what we must do as christians: receive the kingdom of God as a child would. that's about it. that can't be too hard, hopefully. the first time i read this, i imagined a bunch of screaming, snotty-nosed kids surrounding Jesus, and him loving them anyway. however, he somehow managed to see past their immature exterior and see the mature nature of their soul. he notices the way that children accept things without proof, but through blind faith. they don't need to understand or mentally grasp a concept before just going with it. you could tell a child that a purple elephant living on the other side of their backyard fence was leaving them plates of spaghetti and they would believe it. as adults, that just seems silly, yes, but to a child it's exciting and blissful. they'd even make a story up as to how the elephant came to be. somewhere along the way though, we all lose that simple nature. it might be our special circumstances surrounding our upbringing, or it may just be inevitable in our fallen world. nevertheless, it happens. 

when i started high school, i re-did my room to make it more "grown-up". i wanted to be taken more seriously. i wanted to be seen as an adult like the rest of my family. i wanted to be as far away from all my dolls and stuffed animals in my closet as possible. it felt like i was stepping into adulthood. i'm not sure why that made me feel better, i just know that it did. it seems so silly to me now. 

this year, i moved into my own apartment, started paying my own bills  and maintained good grades in my college classes. you could say that i'm "grown up", i guess. but if you've met me, you know that i act like anything but that. i like wearing bright colored clothes and going to see cartoon movies at the theater. i love being with my friends rather than getting ahead at school. i like seeing how long i can hold my breath underwater, and measuring how many sprinkles i can fit onto a sugar cookie. if i had cable, i'd watch kim possible and spongebob on a loop. (although, it's probably best that i don't have cable.) i want to spend a day just laying in the sun pretending i'm somewhere else exciting like eureka, california. why? because i've never been, and that name sounds kinda cool to me. above all else, i like being able to believe in (and not question) things like love and everyday miracles and a God that created the beautiful world around me. i try to live my life based on that passage in mark, and i challenge anyone who reads this (which may be about three at this point) to do the same. i think that we would be a lot happier. and i mean, really, who doesn't like happy people? :)

on eagle's wings, 

peanut buttah